Assalamu'alaikum, peace be upon you.

Quotes accumulated in the past few weeks that should be written down because "sometimes people forget":

"If someone sincerely wishes to contribute his time and energy for a noble cause and for the pleasure of Alllah swt, no matter how seemingly incompatible he is, who are we to reject him?"
"If you choose someone to be a leader, and he turns out to be incompetent (whether you previously suspected it or not) is it his fault that he is incompetent or a failure?"
[therefore those who chose leaders are jus as responsible for the success of the task as the leaders who were chosen]

"We have accidentally and continually inherited a culture of arrogance."

"The best advice an army officer can give to a civilian regarding leadership: Don't lead like the way we do in the army."

"Don't look at where or what a man is now, for you have no idea what his journey was like. Look at the next journey that you can lead him towards."

"Do not underestimate the power of just mixing with the right people."

"What is money but just a tool; for ease of daily transactions, and for syaitan to tear brothers apart."

*Quotes are either adapted directly from wise brothers/sisters (whose names i shall not reveal as Only Allah swt may reward them sufficiently for the sharing of their knowledge) or were derived indirectly from enlightening discussions with even wiser brothers/sisters. Allah knows best.

\- poulet-/ @ 13:40

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Assalamu'alaikum, peace be upon you.

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ مَنَامُكُم بِاللَّيْلِ وَالنَّهَارِ وَابْتِغَاؤُكُم مِّن فَضْلِهِ إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَسْمَعُونَ
And among His Signs is your sleep[] by night and by day, and your seeking of His Bounty. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who listen.
[Sura Ar-Rum, 30:23]

and so khairi will listen. no more overnighting in school. My day in school will start no earlier than 6.30am and end no later than 11.30pm. Hear that world, for once, khairi is listening.

but im still going to do everything before i settle down and do nothing.

\- poulet-/ @ 23:07

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Assalamu'alaikum, peace be upon you.

So i've really been abandoning this blog. n i've also been avoiding random msn convos. i'll be honest [cos tts what ppl are supposed to do on their blogs, believe it or not.], i knw the reasons why. its cos if previously i didnt have any person i trust enough and who is interested enough to let out to, now i do. so now i have not as much need/want to talk to myself via this blog. n well, random msn convos intrinsically annoy me waaay prior to any of this. ive just been more open about it now. its simple really, if it doesnt make me happy, i've got other better things to do. like watching scrubs on youtube, haha. also, if i havent been really genuinely busy lately, my tolerance level for random msn convos would be much higher, so stop there before accussing me of faking the (busy) status on msn. about the (appear offline) thing though, hehe, honesty still taking top priority here, yeahyeah, i've been an antisocial moth. oh go ahead and label me, i really cudnt care less. now, tts brute honesty.

anyway, back to the point about having lesser need to blog, well, theres still always things that are let go/analysed/rambled better on blogs rather than to a person, or God for that matter. ok wait, i'll take tt back, cos God, U knw i know tt im really using this blog as one of those means to figure what U want me to do.

my future. yes, the most perennial blog content since time immemorial when i started blogging, or talking to myself in the shower for that matter. but u knw the thing about growing up is that the closer u are to the peak, the more pertinent the fundamental qn of "what will make me happy?"gets. like seriously. i mean, i always thoguht that as u get closer to being grownup, u no longer ask the basics, u would have already gotten the basics done, that u would start obsessing about the how to get there and the details. but no...u really do start obsessing about what is it that u really want. or atleast i do.

so like recently, by recent meanign a few months now, i've decided on a personal yet firm basis that what i want out of this life is to graduate, get married, devote myself to bringin up great kids and live happily ever after. im serious. i have absolutely no plans of getting a moolah-paying career of any sort. Now, obviously the majority of the friends are either just waiting for me to get over this ridiculous phase, or jus have their eyebrows waay too up to allow their brains to think of a coherent response. why? because khairi is the smart one, the overachiever, the gogetter. shes not the submissive housewife. she always gets wat she wants, no matter how hard it is. how can she want something so easy? so possible.. so mediocre... but u know me, i really never give a sh*t to what my friends think, sorry to those of you who always assumed i did. i just do what i think is best for me and what i think will give me long-term happines. so the qn is, what do i really think?

Recently, i read a blog entry which stated smthing along the lines of "getting the psc scholarship is really important to me cos that would mean winning a first class ticket to my dream career of working in the uptheres of civil service". n i was like seriously? i wrote that? like i seriously forgot tt i was ever that serious about having a policymaking career. tt i was ever tt serious about rolling up my sleeves and putting the community right. i forgot that once upon a time i wanted to start my own Mendaki cos Mendaki is beyond screwed up to be refurbished. n tt was like jus a mere 2 years ago. u knw they say that the mind remembers what it wants to. n im wondering if my mind is playing mindgames with me. i mean, i knw tt i only recently confirmed that i dont wanna work, but tt was based on this idea that ive always wanted to not work, just that i never previously dared to come out with it. but maybe...ive never always dreamt of tt. maybe this really is jus a temporal " i is happy beign mediocre" phase.

recently, i started my UROPS. urops may as well be called thisistheshituhavetotgetthruifueverwanttobeagoodresearcher. ppl never do urops for fun. they do it to get a headstart on honours project. which they want to ace so tt they can win a phd scholarship. now, no part of my get married and hav kids dream include studying for a phd. so why am i still doing it? i tell ppl tt its cos its a usp requirement. now tt is jus dumb. cos i dnt have to do usp anyway since im not aiming for a job with a nice paycheque anw. im really doing it because 1) just in case i decide i do want a career. 2) i wanna do EVERYTHING before i settle down because then im quite serious about doing nothing. 3) in jc, when i was interviewing to score a research attachemnt, i told the interviewer that i've always dreamt of findign a cure for cancer, or one of those horrible diseases. which is why i signed on the dotted line with this urops; we're aiming to find the root causes of asthma.

recently, as evidenced on facebook, i visited ISTAC while on the KL study trip. the moment i stepped into the building/mansion, the first thought that hit me was "Dear God, this is what im giving up." Nono, im not talking abt giving up studying at a place like istac, im talking abt giving up ever owning a house as grand as that. n then i saw the carved hardwood banisters and i remembered that when i was 10 and we shifted out of the masionette, i promised myself tt one day my house will have banisters and stairs just like the ones there. i promised myself.

recently, i was also reminded that in sec sch, i already envisioned my bungalow house with a lap pool by the side. yes, a lap pool. its basically a pool thats the size of about 1 lane of an olympic size pool. n it goes like in an L-shape formation around the back of the house. n then there'll be a mini patio and very tall bushes with purple climbing flowers so that the neighbours dont see me in my bikini. yes, my dreams come equiped with downtothebikinis detailing.

n tts precisely it, MY DREAMS. if growing up to a happy life is about living your dreams, then what am i doing beign so determined about just beign a homemaker?

wat im doing is im prioritising my dreams. im shelving them in accordance to importance. the more important one in front, n the rest can be boxed and shoved to the back, only taken out at the annual springclean. so i guess its important to me that i give my full devotion to my husband and kids. i dont want to risk messign them up. i dont want to try to balance work and family. cos then they wont ever get 100%. i believe that can grant me happiness. but enough happiness to make up for the lap pool, istac banisters and satisfying career?

then theres the qn of 100% of what? my mother gave me 100% when she broke her bond to take care of me and my siblings. but its an open secret that shes never been very happy. n we all carry abit of emo damage growing up in such 100% of unsatisfaction. n u knw every woman intrinsically aims to be a better mother than their own.

in the initial stages of confirming that i jus want to get married and have kids, i could still hang on to the comfort blanket of the possibility that my husband will be rich a** and as such i can still have my istac banisters, my lap pool, and to an extent have a satisfying career of helping the community taitai-style. but reality bites, n gets u saying things like "Dear God, this is what im giving up" at the entrance of Istac, heh.

in the initial stages, and even know, i also hang on to the comfort blanket that what i dont get in the world, i'll get in the hereafter. n which is why i shld work towards getting to heaven. tt tt shld be the main aim, not happiness, but jannah. to an extent the decision to getmarriednhavekids and lead a mediocre inexpensive life is my attempt to find the shortest route to jannah. i mean come on, as a mother, u get heaven at the bottom of ur foot! haha, but seriously thinking about it, things are never that easy really. mebe i shld atleast try to juggle a satisfying career and family. because if the kids are not enough to get me to heaven, i'll have the cure for cancer and/or the effective Mendaki to earn me extra browniepoints with God.

so in conclusion, im just letting u guys knw that the next time u wanna strike a random msn/real convo with me startign with " So, what do u wanna be?" i'll tell u that im still asking the fundamental question of "What will make me happy and get me to jannah?" n then i'll settle into the awkward silence afterwards. cos what im certain of is that random convos still annoy me. that said, i love ppl who tag my board, haha.

\- poulet-/ @ 23:00

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Assalamu'alikum, peace be upon you.

Because i should be mugging, here's a story for the rest of us who also should be mugging. haha, khairi's principle is "If ur going to be distracted, better to be distracted by the best book of all time, rather than books such as facebook, online autobiographies (aka blogs), and youtube (not a book, but the mother of all distractions! haha)." Enjoy.

An excerpt of Sura 18 Al-Kahf:
You can access the Quran in its original script and language here. This is an english translation by Dr. Mohsin.
Then they found one of Our slaves, on whom We had bestowed mercy from Us, and whom We had taught knowledge from Us. (65) Mûsa (Moses) said to him (Khidr) "May I follow you so that you teach me something of that knowledge (guidance and true path) which you have been taught (by Allâh)?" (66) He (Khidr) said: "Verily! You will not be able to have patience with me! (67) "And how can you have patience about a thing which you know not?" (68) Mûsa (Moses) said: "If Allâh wills, you will find me patient, and I will not disobey you in aught." (69) He (Khidr) said: "Then, if you follow me, ask me not about anything till I myself mention of it to you." (70) So they both proceeded, till, when they embarked the ship, he (Khidr) scuttled it. Mûsa (Moses) said: "Have you scuttled it in order to drown its people? Verily, you have committed a thing "Imr" (a Munkar - evil, bad, dreadful thing)." (71) He (Khidr) said: "Did I not tell you, that you would not be able to have patience with me?" (72) [Mûsa (Moses)] said: "Call me not to account for what I forgot[], and be not hard upon me for my affair (with you)." (73) Then they both proceeded, till they met a boy, he (Khidr) killed him. Mûsa (Moses) said: "Have you killed an innocent person who had killed none? Verily, you have committed a thing "Nukr" (a great Munkar - prohibited, evil, dreadful thing)!" (74) (Khidr) said: "Did I not tell you that you can have no patience with me?" (75) [Mûsa (Moses)] said: "If I ask you anything after this, keep me not in your company, you have received an excuse from me." (76) Then they both proceeded, till, when they came to the people of a town, they asked them for food, but they refused to entertain them. Then they found therein a wall about to collapse and he (Khidr) set it up straight. [Mûsa (Moses)] said: If you had wished, surely, you could have taken wages for it!" (77) (Khidr) said: "This is the parting between me and you, I will tell you the interpretation of (those) things over which you were unable to hold patience (78) "As for the ship, it belonged to Masâkîn (poor people) working in the sea. So I wished to make a defective damage in it, as there was a king behind them who seized every ship by force. (79) "And as for the boy, his parents were believers, and we feared lest he should oppress them by rebellion and disbelief. (80) "So we intended that their Lord should change him for them for one better in righteousness and nearer to mercy. (81) "And as for the wall, it belonged to two orphan boys in the town; and there was under it a treasure belonging to them; and their father was a righteous man, and your Lord intended that they should attain their age of full strength and take out their treasure as a mercy from your Lord. And I did them not of my own accord. That is the interpretation of those (things) over which you could not hold patience." (82)

A lesson for all in buruk sangka (=su'udzon) perhaps for those of us who are quick to accuse others of having done Munkar. And a bigger lesson on sabr for those of us who feel that injustice has been done to you, when in essence, Allah is the Best of judges. Be patient and soon enough, God-willing, you'll realise that you're better off with a hole in your sampan or a murdered son, for God knows best.

\- poulet-/ @ 17:13

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Assalamu'alaikum, peace be upon you.

When i think of how pissed i am at ppl
who take what others do for granted
who tak tentu pasal nak marah2 orang
who should take a good look in the mirror
who are blinded from rationality by their selfishness
who are just asking for a slap to Wake Up Your Idea!

i think astaghfirullah (May God forgive me),

how many times have this weakling acted in the same horrible way to others?
:
:
:

Currently, enjoying Tuesday Crime Night. I totally don't deserve this weekly TV treat. i have been a very lazy girl. but on my defence i think i've come to the stage of stress where i find comfort by detaching myself from the world. i have no idea how i got here. bt i believe, whereever here is, God will provide.

\- poulet-/ @ 22:51

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Assalamu'alaikum, peace be upon you.

The day before yesterday, i had a loong chat with my dad about my Physics Term Paper. Yesterday, i stayed home instead of going to school. Yesterday, i watched Bujang Lapok instead of doing my readings for Physics esssay assignment. Yesterday, i chatted online till i lost track of time.
I believe, Yesterday, i finally broke out of the cocoon.

and yesterday, i finally got started on my MS work that i've been neglecting. (altogether now) Alhamdulillah.

n i love Bujang Lapok, the very first one. Love how its so cleverly done, n yet underlyingly simple. SO pandai how they weave all these small2 stories highlighting the social problems at that time without making it preachy.
*sshhh suddenly terase macam nak buat drama lagi sshhhh* bt sesungguhnya i've sworn off acting. ok...i shall pendekan anggan2 ye.

Physics essay, onward!

Btw, i got it!! im going dotdotdot!
(hoho, due to certain reasons i cannot say what it is now. maybe if u ask me i'll tell.)

\- poulet-/ @ 10:48

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Assalamu'alaikum, peace be upon you.

I've been anti-social. haha! understatement of the century or what? Lets see, for the past month or so i've:
1. Been mugging alone, in particular, Spent 3 full days of recess week in complete solitude mugging in school.
2. Not chatted with a single soul online.
3. Partially abandoned my blog.
4. Opted to buka outside instead of heading home.
5. Gone for minimal PR iftars, and didnt bother to socialize when i did.
6. Refused invitations to terrawih at Masjid. (I only went to the Masjid once this Ramadan, where a funny story happened. haha, ask me if u need a laugh)
7. Opted to terrawih in school alone more often than at home with the family.
8. Been going to bed before finishing sms convos.

I dont know why i've reverted to my old social moth habits...just when i thought that that was nothing more than a black speck of the past. I wish i could simply conclude that im innately like that, but how then can i explain the long spurts of anomalous social butterflyness of the past few years? Haha, maybe im just like that; i come in spurts. Like how i've been dealing with MS work. Short intense spurts producing good quality stuff, insterspersed with longer periods of near complete inactivity.

And yes, eversince the MS Iftar, ive been in my cocoon of inactivity. And then after reading the following, i felt immensely guilty....but somehow im still not moving, hmmm. maybe after the interview and two tests and essay assignment, i'll go into another spurt. insya'Allah.


Sura At-Taubah [Quran, 009:38-39]
O ye who believe! what is the matter with you, that when ye are asked to go forth in the cause of Allah, ye cling heavily to the earth? Do ye prefer the life of this world to the Hereafter? But little is the comfort of this life, as compared with the Hereafter. (38) Unless ye go forth, He will punish you with a grievous penalty, and put others in your place; but Him ye would not harm in the least. For Allah hath power over all things.(39)

In light of Hari Raya Aidilfitri being here already (why does it creep up on me year after year?), and in light of my recent state of anti-socialness (chances are, i'll never work up the botheredness to apologise in person), i'll like to take this oppurtunity to apologise for my lack of tact, my outright rudeness and bad bad jokes. Not forgetting my failure to bother to acknowledge your presence or/and entertain your conversations when im feeling lazy. Do forgive me for when i purposefully and unintentially hurt you with my extreme indifference or extreme passion. And im sorry if this apology sounds insincere because im in a cant be bothered to edit mood right now. (Hey, atleast my apology doesnt contain any vulgarities, hehe)

\- poulet-/ @ 20:54

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