Assalamu'alaikum, peace be upon you.

So i've really been abandoning this blog. n i've also been avoiding random msn convos. i'll be honest [cos tts what ppl are supposed to do on their blogs, believe it or not.], i knw the reasons why. its cos if previously i didnt have any person i trust enough and who is interested enough to let out to, now i do. so now i have not as much need/want to talk to myself via this blog. n well, random msn convos intrinsically annoy me waaay prior to any of this. ive just been more open about it now. its simple really, if it doesnt make me happy, i've got other better things to do. like watching scrubs on youtube, haha. also, if i havent been really genuinely busy lately, my tolerance level for random msn convos would be much higher, so stop there before accussing me of faking the (busy) status on msn. about the (appear offline) thing though, hehe, honesty still taking top priority here, yeahyeah, i've been an antisocial moth. oh go ahead and label me, i really cudnt care less. now, tts brute honesty.

anyway, back to the point about having lesser need to blog, well, theres still always things that are let go/analysed/rambled better on blogs rather than to a person, or God for that matter. ok wait, i'll take tt back, cos God, U knw i know tt im really using this blog as one of those means to figure what U want me to do.

my future. yes, the most perennial blog content since time immemorial when i started blogging, or talking to myself in the shower for that matter. but u knw the thing about growing up is that the closer u are to the peak, the more pertinent the fundamental qn of "what will make me happy?"gets. like seriously. i mean, i always thoguht that as u get closer to being grownup, u no longer ask the basics, u would have already gotten the basics done, that u would start obsessing about the how to get there and the details. but no...u really do start obsessing about what is it that u really want. or atleast i do.

so like recently, by recent meanign a few months now, i've decided on a personal yet firm basis that what i want out of this life is to graduate, get married, devote myself to bringin up great kids and live happily ever after. im serious. i have absolutely no plans of getting a moolah-paying career of any sort. Now, obviously the majority of the friends are either just waiting for me to get over this ridiculous phase, or jus have their eyebrows waay too up to allow their brains to think of a coherent response. why? because khairi is the smart one, the overachiever, the gogetter. shes not the submissive housewife. she always gets wat she wants, no matter how hard it is. how can she want something so easy? so possible.. so mediocre... but u know me, i really never give a sh*t to what my friends think, sorry to those of you who always assumed i did. i just do what i think is best for me and what i think will give me long-term happines. so the qn is, what do i really think?

Recently, i read a blog entry which stated smthing along the lines of "getting the psc scholarship is really important to me cos that would mean winning a first class ticket to my dream career of working in the uptheres of civil service". n i was like seriously? i wrote that? like i seriously forgot tt i was ever that serious about having a policymaking career. tt i was ever tt serious about rolling up my sleeves and putting the community right. i forgot that once upon a time i wanted to start my own Mendaki cos Mendaki is beyond screwed up to be refurbished. n tt was like jus a mere 2 years ago. u knw they say that the mind remembers what it wants to. n im wondering if my mind is playing mindgames with me. i mean, i knw tt i only recently confirmed that i dont wanna work, but tt was based on this idea that ive always wanted to not work, just that i never previously dared to come out with it. but maybe...ive never always dreamt of tt. maybe this really is jus a temporal " i is happy beign mediocre" phase.

recently, i started my UROPS. urops may as well be called thisistheshituhavetotgetthruifueverwanttobeagoodresearcher. ppl never do urops for fun. they do it to get a headstart on honours project. which they want to ace so tt they can win a phd scholarship. now, no part of my get married and hav kids dream include studying for a phd. so why am i still doing it? i tell ppl tt its cos its a usp requirement. now tt is jus dumb. cos i dnt have to do usp anyway since im not aiming for a job with a nice paycheque anw. im really doing it because 1) just in case i decide i do want a career. 2) i wanna do EVERYTHING before i settle down because then im quite serious about doing nothing. 3) in jc, when i was interviewing to score a research attachemnt, i told the interviewer that i've always dreamt of findign a cure for cancer, or one of those horrible diseases. which is why i signed on the dotted line with this urops; we're aiming to find the root causes of asthma.

recently, as evidenced on facebook, i visited ISTAC while on the KL study trip. the moment i stepped into the building/mansion, the first thought that hit me was "Dear God, this is what im giving up." Nono, im not talking abt giving up studying at a place like istac, im talking abt giving up ever owning a house as grand as that. n then i saw the carved hardwood banisters and i remembered that when i was 10 and we shifted out of the masionette, i promised myself tt one day my house will have banisters and stairs just like the ones there. i promised myself.

recently, i was also reminded that in sec sch, i already envisioned my bungalow house with a lap pool by the side. yes, a lap pool. its basically a pool thats the size of about 1 lane of an olympic size pool. n it goes like in an L-shape formation around the back of the house. n then there'll be a mini patio and very tall bushes with purple climbing flowers so that the neighbours dont see me in my bikini. yes, my dreams come equiped with downtothebikinis detailing.

n tts precisely it, MY DREAMS. if growing up to a happy life is about living your dreams, then what am i doing beign so determined about just beign a homemaker?

wat im doing is im prioritising my dreams. im shelving them in accordance to importance. the more important one in front, n the rest can be boxed and shoved to the back, only taken out at the annual springclean. so i guess its important to me that i give my full devotion to my husband and kids. i dont want to risk messign them up. i dont want to try to balance work and family. cos then they wont ever get 100%. i believe that can grant me happiness. but enough happiness to make up for the lap pool, istac banisters and satisfying career?

then theres the qn of 100% of what? my mother gave me 100% when she broke her bond to take care of me and my siblings. but its an open secret that shes never been very happy. n we all carry abit of emo damage growing up in such 100% of unsatisfaction. n u knw every woman intrinsically aims to be a better mother than their own.

in the initial stages of confirming that i jus want to get married and have kids, i could still hang on to the comfort blanket of the possibility that my husband will be rich a** and as such i can still have my istac banisters, my lap pool, and to an extent have a satisfying career of helping the community taitai-style. but reality bites, n gets u saying things like "Dear God, this is what im giving up" at the entrance of Istac, heh.

in the initial stages, and even know, i also hang on to the comfort blanket that what i dont get in the world, i'll get in the hereafter. n which is why i shld work towards getting to heaven. tt tt shld be the main aim, not happiness, but jannah. to an extent the decision to getmarriednhavekids and lead a mediocre inexpensive life is my attempt to find the shortest route to jannah. i mean come on, as a mother, u get heaven at the bottom of ur foot! haha, but seriously thinking about it, things are never that easy really. mebe i shld atleast try to juggle a satisfying career and family. because if the kids are not enough to get me to heaven, i'll have the cure for cancer and/or the effective Mendaki to earn me extra browniepoints with God.

so in conclusion, im just letting u guys knw that the next time u wanna strike a random msn/real convo with me startign with " So, what do u wanna be?" i'll tell u that im still asking the fundamental question of "What will make me happy and get me to jannah?" n then i'll settle into the awkward silence afterwards. cos what im certain of is that random convos still annoy me. that said, i love ppl who tag my board, haha.