Assalamu'alaikum, peace be upon you.

Sometimes, the thing u've been looking for, or have been desperately needing but were too down and out to search for, turns out to be right in front of you. such is the generosity and ingenuity of Allah. Just a few minutes ago, i googled my name out of boredom. n came upon a friend's blog which mentioned my name. It was recently restarted, just like mine (except that she didnt relose steam so soon after, haha). n as i was reading her entries, i felt two things:
One, what a lousy friend i've been. To not have been approachable enough for her to have confided in me. Not tt i happen to have a perfect solution on hand, or tt im an awesome listener, but to atleast, i dont knw, be there. To say "what a lousy friend ive been" probably carries the implication that i was once a good friend, but you shldn't go away thinking that. really, ive never learnt to be a good friend. never been one. though i suppose, not tt ive never been given the opportunity. its like never taking a module though its always been available. yes, ive always been socially retarded like that, except today, im actually quite ashamed of it. You may think that Allah has given you something bad, but it may be that it is good for you, Allah knows and you know not. The ayat in baqarah goes something like tt. n my dear friend's blog reminded me of that. very applicable here because im thinking that the reason why Allah took away the "ONE" from me for now is to force me to take the friendship module already! instead of saying "i'll pass!" for forever.
Two, that that's exactly what im feeling, thinking, worrying! n more important than just feeling connected and not so alone (which is a big thing in itself), i find myself forming responses, advices, pointing out the loopholes in her argument and the silliness of her worries. padahal2, i once/still feel, think and worry about the same things. like wow, is this why ppl have friends? to lend them perspectives when they lose their own while swimming in their problems? eureka moment to the max.
Coincidentally (i must sooo find an islamic equivalent to this word cos u knw i dnt believe that awesome things just randomly happen, which is what "coincidentally" intrinsically implies), im mtg up with the friend tmr for buka and terawih. it remains to be seen if i'll have enough guts to do what i shld and have to, or cowardly withdraw with an F grade from this module. Allahulmusta'an.
i do know that my privacy is far from secured in this blog. that some ppl still have my link on their blogs and that its easily googled intentionally or accidentally. n im definitely not too comfortable with the prospect of mtg an acquaintance and somehow reading it in their eyes that they secretly knw more abt me than i think they do because they've literally read me. tt said, im still going to keep blogging openly here. who knows if 'coincidentally' reading my blog will make someone else feel less alone, and even better still, if it lends clarity and perspective to aid them in resolving their own issues. this is my contribution. may Allah in his infinite Wisdom use me for his purpose.

On a different note, ramadan has lived up to its blessed name thus far for me. Went to first lady with the dad baby sis and mum the other day to get baju raya shopping done and over with. i was also looking for baju biase2 to wear to masjid and sch and stuff. i picked out a jubah which was a little ex for its normal design but fits me, which is rare, and asked daddy his opinion on it. being practical, he asked if i'll wear it and how often. told him i'll wear to mjd and madrasah and prolly to sch but shhh dont tell ibu, hehehe. you see, my mum has been quite critical of my recent reversion to an 'overly' conservative dressing style. prolly partly because it makes her look bad and partly because she sincerely thinks tt im being too extreme. bt because im pretty stubborn, n she knws tt she is too, and tt tts a potential recipe for a huge fight, other than the occasional snide remark before i go out the door for sch, she has restrained herself from asserting her opinion on my dressing, and i've been, against my inclination, occasionally dressing 'skimpily' to prevent her from a full explosion of unsolicited fashion advice. anw, back to the story, i didnt get the jubah in the end cos its overpriced and i thought tt was the end of that. bt a few days later, my mum came out of her room with a few hangers of long and loose dresses and blouses that i hardly remember her ever wearing. n one by one, she asked me if i wanted them, citing that shes grown too fat to fit in them, and telling me how pretty they'll look on me. if ur not getting the significance of this, u missed the key words "long and loose'. heh. to top it of, while showing me one of the blouses, she said,"this one if u wear with beige or white pants nice..but u dnt wear pants eh, i think wear with white skirt also nice, u have white skirt right?" if i wasnt too shocked by it all and still very much socially retarded, i would have should have hugged her right then. it was awesome to hear those words from her, this time without the usually unmistakable stink of a snide comment. n then to end it off, that is after i accepted all her bajus, she said, "ok, now u dont need to shop for baju for sch anymore ah. see, i saved u so much money, u shld give me ur tuition money for this month, hehehe!" which makes me conclude that daddy must have told her what i said to him. which is awesome cos half the time i feel like daddy doesnt really listen to me, and for the other half, misses the underlying significance of what i tell him. n to the max awesome, is how after decades of marriage, my parents are still successfully shaping each other into better ppl. do u have any idea how hard it is to change someone? what more someone with my stubborn blood?  Dear God, drop me a good boy who'll make me better please.